BABY SMASHING

DRUNK
PETE
vol. 1

Chapter One
So this morning I woke up at 1:30 hung over as balls with blood on my face, a bandaid on my hand that looked as if it was applied by a monkey, and that horrible feeling that I did something retarded the night before. Of course, I was correct in this assumption. I swear, blacking out is the closest thing to time travel that I will ever accomplish. It is like an exact scene out of Terminator: One day I am bro-ing out with the band, having a couple of drinks, then suddenly I am naked in the fetal position the next day nauseous ready to fucking kill somebody. But I digress; what sort of night led to this trainwreck of a friday morning? Unfortunately, I don't have enough time nor the actual recollection of last night's events to accurately describe what took place. However with the aid of my associates, we have been able to compile a rough list of the events that took place from 7:30 pm to 5:00 am....


Chapter Two
So yesterday was the day Hello Midnight designated for our annual Secret Santa Holiday Party. After picking up a bottle of the world's shittiest Cognac for Prolow, I headed home to find a bright orange reminder of just how destitute we are on the door. That's right. The officials of Jersey City officially condemned our house saying that it is "UNSAFE FOR HUMAN OCCUPANCY." Stellar. Naturally we decided to celebrate this dubious event after practice by exchanging Secret Santa presents (all of which were alcohol) and having ourselves a private holiday party. Now to be perfectly honest, none of us can say with any certainty exactly what happened over the course of the night because we all got as shitfaced as we could possibly get. However, after sitting down and fleshing out what we all could remember, we were able to create this rough list of last night's events...

Shirtless iPod karaoke (Bon Jovi was a particularly popular selection)
Smashing of the Baby Bass
Smashing of the Prolow
Cutting open my Hand/War-Painting my face with blood
Secret Santa
Flexing Contest
Clap Push-up Demonstration
HITZ domination (Eric, suck a dick)
Cigarette Scavenger Hunt
Shitfaced Landscape Painting
Summer Sausage Smorgasbord (there was actually a piece of deli meat)
Inventing of Secret Handshakes
ERIC FINALLY SLEPT IN HIS BED

Here is a video of when the baby got smashed....


When I first sat down to write this, I thought I was going to have to give a play by play account of how the night unfolded. However after listing all the stupid shit we did, I feel like the night sort of describes itself.

Alright my babies, that's all for now. Right now we are all just sitting around recovering and watching some amazing seventies movie called Cheerleaders Beach Party. Honestly, I'm not 100% sure that it isnt a porn. Anyway, keep listening. stay classy.

xoxoxoxoxox
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