JOOSED UP LIKE A MOFO

first and foremost, I would like to give a moment of silence to my collegiate beverage of choice: Sparks. although it has not technically been discontinued, the removal of the caffeine from this essentially perfect drink renders it as uninspired and wholly marginal malt liquor drink in the realm of smirnoff ice lameness.

however before we take this moment of silence, i feel it is entirely necessary to share the wikipedia page i referenced for the information pertaining to this blog:
"Created by San Francisco-based beverage marketing firm McKenzie River Corporation, early marketing relied on word of mouth primed by giving away large quantities of the beverage. Its critics dislike the high acidity, sweetness, and blatantly artificial flavor. Ironically, fans like the beverage for the same reasons, although the caffeine and high alcohol content, as well as the herbal components, also play a factor. Sparks also has a tendency to change the color of the tongue and teeth temporarily, after consumption of several of these beverages due to FD&C Yellow No.5. In some regions this discoloration is referred to as "Sparks Mouth". The drink caught on within the American hipster community, which has been known for its ironic glorification of several other cheap, low-grade alcoholic beverages.^[2]"

hahahahah

ok ok moment of silence

.......

SO!
as it were, for every dark, ominous and depressing cloud there is, there is in fact a silver lining. the graceful yet tragic departure of Sparks as we know it from the market has left a vacancy for some ridiculously potent, attention deficit beverage to fill.
My darlings, may i introduce you all to the era of JOOSE.
but what is JOOSE you ask? well, according to the label, joose is, in addition to being a whopping 9.9% alcohol per volume, is 23.5 ounces of premium malt liquor, natural flavors, caffeine ginseng, taurine and FD&C Yellow # 5. what does this equate to besides one sloppy shit show of an evening? an overly sugary, grapey, toxicly after-tasting disaster of a drink choice.
do i recommend it? YES...ish. k, i'm not going to lie, its pretty beastly. it basically tastes like paint thinner with about thirty cups of splenda and maybe an orange rind. whatever, it will get you shitty in anywhere between 6-11 minutes if you drink aggressively. once you have knocked down said quantity, you are all hulked up and ready to fucking punch through walls and run as fast as you can to... wherever? it doesn't really matter, the long and short of it is you will have an overwhelmingly unnecessary amount of energy for someone who is shitfaced.
Sparks left some pretty huge, sloppy shoes to fill and joose, for better or worse, has stepped up to the plate with a vengeance. after one night with one can of JOOSE and a pair of sparks, i found myself trimming my sideburns with one shoe and no pants at like 9:30 on a tuesday. blindsided. i didn't stand a chance. basically, what i am trying to say is that Sparks could not have passed the torch to a more fitting successor.

kk, so, this has been like 70 minutes and 4 paragraphs dedicated to one drink so i am going to hurry up and wrap all this up. JOOSE is pretty burly, and if you are up to the inevitable cavitites and hangovers, you should give this sumbitch a spin.
take care mybabies
xoxoxoooxox
BENSIAHSDNLASdasfdnmoasifmas.dasda