How to Care for Your New Benson

I am writing to announce that I have discovered the ingredients to "Happy Benson." What is "Happy Benson" you ask? "Happy Benson" is the type of Benson that doesn't mope and cry all the time. "Happy Benson" is the guy you want to have a beer with in the bar. In his happy state, Benson is the fun, entertaining, hilarious friend you always wish you had. Sad Benson is another story.
Sad Benson has been making frequent appearances around the house. He is appropriately captured in this state in the image above. He comes home from work, depressed and bummed out. Any inquires as to why, are usually met with the response, "I'm not in a bad mood, why do you say I'm in a bad mood? WA WA WA" All of this occurs during a moping session unrivaled by most 2 year olds.
Now what is the cure for sad Benson? RED BULL!!!!! Benson requires caffeine like a wizard requires manna. (What up new nerd Matt Langner) If you follow these simple steps you will have yourself a "Happy Benson."
1. Keep your household Benson fed with any type of caffeine and suddenly sad, angry, annoying Benson is gone. Happy, productive, all around cool guy Benson returns. If you really want an extra happy Benson, add a can of PBR for every can of Red Bull or equivalent energy drink and you will be set.
2. Frequently discuss video games, those really cool shoes, or any Strokes song and "Happy Benson" will appear 50% of the time without requiring the use of energy drinks or PBR.
3. Benson also requires 8 hrs of sleep everyday. He usually gets around 6 or less. As a rule for every hour of sleep lost feed your Benson two diet Pepsis or one Red Bull per hour lost. If your Benson sleeps 8 hrs or more do not be afraid to still feed your Benson a diet Pepsi or two, it will maintain "Happy Benson" status for longer periods of time.
4. Find your Benson a "Bro-Mate"- A "Bro-Mate" is like a soul mate except it's a bro. Benson, when he is in a good mood, has found a "Bro-Mate". His name is Matthew Langner and when "Happy Benson" is around, they are inseperable. Just ask Caroline or Jackie.
5. Shackler's Revenge. 5 plays in a row will bring Happy Benson out, but only for a limited period of time without the previously prescribed cure of Red Bull or Diet Pepsi.

Things to Avoid discussing in order to prevent "Sad Benson"
1. Sandy
2. Animal Cruelty
3. Any movie with Robert de Niro or any Mafia related film ( The Godfather, Goodfellas etc.) Benson hates all of them, even though he has never watched any of them all the way through. He however loves the Departed, which is no where near as good as either previously mentioned Motion Pictured.
4. Benson also has a hatred of Vodka. Vodka makes Benson turn all kinds of red. He is clearly allergic, but still on occasion will imbibe with disasterous results.
5. Diet Coke. Benson only consumes products made by the Pepsi Corporation. He hates Coca-Cola and all they stand for (Except for the Polar Bears at Christmas time).

So in closing, if you have a Benson around your house and want to keep him happy, follow the steps I laid out carefully everyday and you will have yourself a happy, fun, good Benson. If you chose to ignore these steps, you are proceeding at your own peril.

-Prolow